It’s a bright and sunny October morning as I drive to work. I have plenty to be grateful for – my freedom, my health and fitness, my boyfriend, my adventures and the direction my life is heading, yet I am sobbing. Uncontrollably. My eyes are so full of tears it’s difficult to see the road ahead.
Here he is again, popping by to say hello and keep me company …… my little Black Dog…..
I have battled with depression since 2006. To some people that know me, I expect this may come as a surprise, as I am often complimented for my cheery and positive disposition. However on 3 occasions, I have got myself into a rather tricky situation.
I am slowly learning that there is high possibility my little ‘Black Dog’ may never go away entirely. As much as I want him to, I get the impression he is a part of me, and rather than trying to ignore him, it may be in my best interest to accept he is there and to even become his friend.
Every time he rears his little head, I try and work out why. It occured to me this morning, rather than analysing it, I should acknowledge he is there and go about my day to day life knowing that he will soon get bored and go away, just like all the previous times.
Thankfully with each visit, he gets bored and doesn’t stay for as long, and he also doesn’t seem to give me quite as much of his attention than he used to. Although, he has popped by fairly frequently recently. I wonder if he is testing me?
This all sounds very light hearted and simple, and believe me, it doesn’t feel this easy when he is sitting right by my side, making me extremely sad and hindering with my clarity of thought. Here I sit, at my desk, in the company of my 2 office colleagues, fighting back the tears as I write this.
And the purpose of me writing this is to do exactly as I have written above – acknowledge the Black Dog, let him know that I am aware that he is there. Perhaps I should even learn to love him??? By doing this suddenly things don’t seem as bad. I will not attempt to change my him or protest against him. I will instead accept he is there, a part of me that I am sure makes me the successful person I am.
So then, on that note, back to work on important things whilst loving, checking and caring for my Black Dog thoughout the day : )